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English Online. Every child literate - a shared responsibility.
Ministry of Education.

Exemplar A: Not achieved

A Walk in the Forest

Does not develop ideas sufficiently.

Does not structure ideas sufficiently: basic structure evident but weak ending.

During the weekend my friends and my brother and I used to go down to the park at the end of our street. In the park there was a whole lot of bush, it's not actually big, about five minutes to walk through, but back then when I was only about six or seven we thought it was huge. The plants were actually only little thorns but they were as sharp as needles and they really hurt we pretended they were poisonous.

We carried on along side the creek through the middle of the bush. The creek ran over all the rocks and in between the dead trees that had fallen on its path it wasn't more than 3cm deep when it rained the level of the water rose and it was like a raging river. It hadn't rained for about a week now and the creek just trickled through the trees because it was so low we managed to leap across it so that we could walk on the other side. We decided that we would build a little hut in among the trees. We walked along a little more and we came across the perfect place a big oak tree which had fallen in to the path of the little creeks. It had stopped the flow of the water accept it found it's way around the tree and carried on it's way on the other side of the tree it was as dry as a bone. It was sort of a hole about one metre deep and it was quite long and wide. We looked around in the odds and ends that people had thrown out in the bush.

It took about 2 hours to finish and by that time it was time to go home. We walked back through the trees and back over the creek and through the tracks and back home again. And that was the end of our walk in the forest.

Does not use language features appropriate to audience and purpose.

Uses an appropriate but limited writing style.

Limited range of expression.

Intrusive errors in text conventions.

Published on: 23 Nov 2010